In deep conversation with my soul

In deep conversation with the soul I am cold. It is 23 degrees in Holland and I am celebrating my birthday at the beach. Everyone is living the summer dream because the sun has finally decided to shine in Holland. But I am freezing and want to go home.

The next day I have a deep conversation with my soul, with my heart. Because at the end of the day we only have one life. And in my opinion it is key to live a life in line with your heart, with your deepest desires. And those deepest desires often take a real conversation. One that we do not feel like having because it also brings up fears, conflicting beliefs and confusion. It is easier to live a life trying to fulfill the shallow desires of our soul. I see it a lot around me. Those people are happy but something is itching, something is trying to grab attention but has no place.

Maybe I am one of those people. In the deep conversation with my soul I realize that I have been trying to make it work to live in Holland. In order not to disappoint my mum and my family. Because it is more convenient to live in Holland. So I am making it work. But making it work is never the right way. Things work or not. And things usually work when we really want it. But I do not really want to live in Holland I realize. Maybe I came here this summer not to live but to say goodbye. Not permanently but for now.  

I want to build a life somewhere in the sun. Close to an ocean where I can surf. With an amazing community of like-minded people that come by. I want to celebrate the nature around me. I want to surf, and explore and travel and kite. I want a permanent base where I can travel from. A place I can call my home. I have learned to create home wherever I am, but home is ALSO a place. And I have not had that place for nine years now. It is time to find a place where I can create my base.

My mind relaxes at the thought. A part of me is on fire and a part of me is extremely tired. Tired from moving around, tired from doing it on my own and tired from juggling two different things inside of me (living in Holland and somewhere else). Should I do both maybe? Hmm the compromise. I do not think the compromise really works on the long-term. Confusion arises. A way out? In? What is out or in these days anyway?

‘All I need is a happy home. A place I do not have to be alone.’ That’s it. The song shows it perfectly. I do not need much. A simple house in nature. Nice people. Someone to love besides myself. I want to build something physical and continue my company of The Healer Academy. Spread all that I have learned about healing and myself along the way. Help people open their hearts, the chambers of their soul. Look their emotions in the eye.

Are you running from home, people would sometimes ask me. I smiled at them and did not say a word. In my heart I knew better. I have faced every emotion that has come my way. I have cried for days from loneliness. I have been sad. I have been angry. I have been scared. The last thing I did was running.

Now it is time to pick the easy path. Take the path home. Pick the path of my deepest desires. Without compromise. Without excuses. Because my heart wants it. The heart wins. The heart always wins. Life, show me the way. I know now that I have had a deep conversation with my soul that things will start to shift. I am ready.